When you become pregnant, everything is so surreal that you just cant wrap your head around whats really about to happen. We bought everything under the sun, read every blog known to man, painted the nursery, had the showers, went to the prenatal appointments and prepared as best as we could for our world to be rocked. I was excited for labor. I thought labor was going to be easy and that I would just eat grape popsicles and ice chips while I enjoy a movie or two. I was WRONG. My epidural didnt work and after about 16 hours of labor, feeling just about everything, I didnt think I was going to go on. By this time I hadnt eaten in about 18 hours, I was EXHAUSTED beyond measure and I just wanted that baby out of me.
When Lawson finally arrived I thought that I would immediately love this child that they placed on me, and even though I did love him, I didnt understand what this type of love could feel like or even should feel like. I didnt know anything about this tiny human that just came out of me. My husband was traumatized because of the basically natural birth that I had just experienced and frankly so was I. I had built up in my mind this experience of unicorns and rainbows and I turned out to be wrong. Slap on that the fact that I just wanted to sleep for 5 days straight, that I could have eaten my right arm and that I was supposed to feed this child but I had no idea how. Lets just say that morning was pretty traumatizing. Now before you think that I am a bad mom know that things have changed. Lawson is now just over 3 months old and I am over the moon about him. I didnt know that I could feel this way and honestly I felt guilty that I didnt from the beginning.
He is all I can think about. I love his smile and how quickly he can turn a bad day into a good. As I sat tonight cuddling my little boy I couldnt help but to appreciate him right in this moment. Yes I find myself wishing that he was just a little bit older and could play just a little big more, but I am snapped back into this moment when I can see him smiling in his sleep as he is cuddled into my chest. I love this little boy more than I ever imagined I could. Being at work I realized how lucky I am to have had the 8+ weeks that I did with him. Although it was overwhelming most of the time because I was still getting used to everything, it is time that I will never get back. That is the time that I got to know the little boy that has completely consumed my life. At first, I was so overwhelmed by the "baby takeover" in my house and at times I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I wanted my time back with my husband and wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Looking back, I realize that was selfish. I know that it was normal because having a baby is a big adjustment but after being with him for the last 3 months I realize that all these changes are good ones. I look at the stuff crowding my counters and the bottles all over the house and am so grateful. I am so much more grateful for my husband because of the man that he has become and the father that he is to lawson. I also love our time together that much more because its so few and far between. Tonight as I was getting ready to put lawson to bed, we had a moment, just the three of us that I think I will remember forever. It felt so right, like we had been a family for forever.
Lawson belongs in our family and I am so glad that he is here.
So sweet Summer! Life has a way of teaching us lessons along the way. It always is something to be proud of that you are learning the right lessons instead of totally missing the point for sure. So you are doing just perfectly!! Really. Just think about how much Lawson has starting out two parents that completely love him. He is so lucky :) Congrats on growing your family, it sure is a fun ride :)
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